So I am sorry I haven’t been good lately, I am not ok and I know a lot of people are not ok lately. I know that a lot of people in my personal and professional life look up to me. This just adds stress to me that I am just hitting life as a whole burn out. This is just me opening up, and expressing how I have been spiraling out of control…

Professional Life#

In my professional life, I enjoy my job and I know I am good at my job. I am not saying I am irreplaceable, no one is… We can all be replaced by someone better skilled or even lesser skilled just things may take longer. I am doing my best to keep up with the demands of my job over the past few months, but with several things going live on systems that only I am the main person who knows the platform it all runs on… makes me very stressed being called, questioned, pulled in, and tons of late nights…

So with all of that said, you might think I am going way over hours… and well sometimes I am going over a bit, but it isn’t by much. It is just work breaking up my days a lot, making it where I work early then come back in later, or just get called in randomly but told to “flex” the time back… so yes, long days with very little time between shifts to just relax. This has culminated in me just feeling overwhelmed, and this is just the professional side of my life as of late.

Personal Life#

Moving onto my personal life, it has been just as stressful… I have a lot of relationships… I struggle to keep up with them all, as the little free time I get makes me feel like I have to give what little time I do have to myself to each person, and that is rough because I need time for myself to unwind… and I am not doing that, I am putting others first and it making me go mad… I want to make sure my relationships are known that I care about them and that I am trying… But I struggle, because some like my boyfriends tell me “when you going to spend time with me, I never see you anymore” it is rough…

I try to prioritize my partners and [boy/girl/enby]friends first, but I also have so many other close friends that want to do stuff with me. I recently setup a server with all these close people in my life on Discord just so I could let them all know I am trying… and hopefully they will be able to make conversation between each other (which some have, and it is nice to see everyone getting along and building new connections). However, I am still prioritizing everyone over my own mental state, and forcing myself to give time and attention to others. I get it, many even the introverts in my life need attention from time to time… I just can’t disconnect for myself… someone always wants to say something to me, or expects a reply from me.

I want and try to just say “I need some time” and my partners and [boy/girl/enby]friends seem to be the most respectful of this… just some of my close friends still reach out, and maybe it is just me not knowing how to just block them out and ignore them… but I fear if I do that, they will be upset with me… But I really just so badly wanna curl up, be away from human contact for like at least a whole day… I don’t have any me time…

I am stressing, I am over worked, I am worried about everyone I care about partners, [boy/girl/enby]friends, and my close friends… I don’t know how to stop feeling like I need to be there for all of them. This is all just driving me to a point of extreme exhaustion… and I am scared, that I cannot keep going like this… because, well there is one more chapter to all this pressure.

Identify Crisis#

Finally, I made a video not to long ago expressing that I now identify as Non-Binary. I am happy and gave tons of thought and consideration into that decision. However, I am still scared at times… because seeing how the internet tends to persecute people for identifying as things… and I used to not be scare of things like this. I stood up and started the GSA(Gay Straight Alliance) at my school when I was younger and identified as a cis-gay male back then. But, the world seems so much scarier now… I don’t I just worry that someone is going to try and hurt me or my career over being Non-Binary, as I don’t have preferred pronouns, don’t take meds to adjust my appearance, or that the reason I identify this way is because I don’t feel like I am male or female, that I am somewhere in the middle… and it just worries me.

I am also struggling with figuring out what I want to be… I love getting back into coding but I haven’t really had a chance because I am too busy with trying to balance work and my relationships, and it is making it to where… I don’t even know who I am anymore, other than a freaking work horse, who just works a fuck ton, is there to help my friends through their struggles, and just burning myself out on all ends…

In Closing#

I don’t know what to do… I am in counseling, but I know I am not opening up about everything like I am here… because I am scared about things like my identity… and just fear of judgement or being dismissed… I am afraid to just log off and not respond to people, because I know often those reaching out to me rely on my replies to not spiral out on their own… but it is hard being everyone’s rock… it is hard existing right now, I don’t have the energy to keep up with me… I feel like I am living for everyone but myself… and it has gotten so bad lately, that in the past week I have had two full on anxiety/panic attacks where I just was immobilized and unable to do anything.

I still feel like at the end of all of this I need to apologize… and say that I am sorry that I feel this way, as I don’t want to make people in my life to be upset at themselves or anything, for how they come to me… So… I am sorry if I have made anyone feel that way, but I felt like I really needed to write this and get it off my chest.

Please know I still love all of you, and care about you, I am just trying to move forward… and maybe writing this, to express how I am feeling will help…